Yes, I said it. Most people will not agree. In fact, majority of women (and men) out there hate being vulnerable to what their heart says and choose to be logical instead of risk the emotional. Because who really wants to be sitting on their couch with a tub full of ice cream watching Serendipity or Never Been Kissed over and over and over again… No one. Well, except for me.
I have always thought (no pun intended) that the heart was smarter than the mind because of its production of passion, that burning desire to take that leap of faith and put everything on the line, gambling the outcome. Now contradictory to what I believe in, I am and never will be the “casino” type of girl. I’m talking about the risks in life that you take because you listened with your heart. It’s that choice you made of the bad guy over the good guy; The not-so-steady career over the million dollar income; The savvy SUV over the fuel efficient hybrid; The holding on versus the letting go. You’d be surprised at some of the positive outcomes. But naturally, of course, chances are you’re heartbroken, broke, and crying pools of tears right now racking your brain thinking “WHY DIDN’T I LISTEN TO MY HEAD?!?!?!” We blame the heart, persecute its stubbornness, and ridicule its ignorance. What we choose to forget is that sense of freedom, that happiness, that pride, that stability, that confidence in ourselves we felt for that exact moment when we chose our hearts over our heads.
Let’s face it, we are a human race built of cowards when it comes to making tumultuous life-altering decisions. We always want to think ahead, think what’s best, what’s safe, what is considered the norm to society (because no one wants to look like a fool in front of everyone else, you might just be dubbed ‘clinically insane’). And yes, the head may have your best interests in the long run, but you will always be left with that nagging thought of the I wonder’s and the What if’s. What ends up happening are regrets of not taking that rocky, more faulty, route because we all strive to experience the unknown. It’s like a question with no full answer. Left unsatisfied, this is our demise.
The heart says, a day never promises tomorrow. I’m going to tell you now, as if you didn’t already know, the heart doesn’t always have your best interests at hand, instead it gives you lessons. It allows you to fall and is forgiving if you break it. It mends and let’s you fall even harder only to return to you more lessons learned. Your ego is bruised, reputation possibly shattered but not once were you held down by chains of not knowing. As you get up from these falls and rise above these lessons your heart only grows stronger and pushes you further up to take those chances because they may never come again. Your passion, your drive, your hunger have sufficed, which leads to a life fulfilled.
Life is all about taking risks, trusting yourself enough to know that your heart may break you, but only momentarily, that the outcome is out of mind’s reach because, ultimately, the heart is driven on emotions of passion, strength, perseverance, and love, emotions that the mind has no place in.
Expectations. Everyone has to meet them. Whether it’s your job, your duty as a family member, friend or lover… It’s there. I have always rode on the fact that I had enough strength to hold everyone’s problems including my own. But I am human, and I now realize that I am not invincible. I am not the heroine to all victories, especially for my own life. I am flawed, imperfect, fragmented in emotions that I wish did not exist.
I am a ticking time bomb. I choose to be cool, calm and collected because that is the life I want to lead. I try not to sweat the small stuff because it is, in my eyes, unnecessary, impractical, foolish, maybe even childish. I was taught at a very young age to sweep things under the rug and keep it there because there were far worst things happening in this world that I could not control. At least I could control these personal situations. But over time this ideation of a rug becomes smaller and smaller leaving me with little space to sweep things under. I find myself gasping for air in thoughts and confusion and I black out in a sea of anger and sadness. Until, BOOM an explosion, which results to having no recollection of anything, just a feeling of numb emptiness.
Maybe I play the friendly role too much. I am a firm believer in killing people with kindness. There is nothing so tumultuous in this world to give any value to the word “hate.” I don’t believe in grudges. I have faith in the concept that time repents all things that have gone wrong in people’s lives. But sometimes I wonder, what if I were a complete and total bitch. Would I get the respect I deserve? Do I have to reign in terror to avoid being taken advantage of? Because as soon as I cannot offer my services of kindness, my whole existence is kicked to the curb, left to be forgotten. A servant to those who need an ear, a shoulder, a heart to rely on. And when I ask for a bit in return, I hear nothing but the echoes of my own voice, telling myself that everything is going to be alright.
I hope to be appreciated some day solely on my existence. Not because I held you up through your toughest times or covered for you when you were in trouble. Not because I love you unconditionally. Not because I seem to be the only person who understands you. Not because of the skills I have learned in life to meet necessities. Not because I met 90% of your expectations as a daughter, a sister, a friend, or a lover. But for the mistakes I have made, the life I choose to live, the celebrations in my life as well as the lowest of lows in my life, from my little annoyances to the very particular things that make up who I genuinely am.
I am surrounded by so many yet have never felt so alone.
Ironic, isn’t it?
Addendum: I realize that this isn’t the inspirational type of writing that the world of Tumblr craves for. I am not endorsing negativity to be the focal point in this blog post. I am simply stating the fact that it’s not all rainbows and butterflies in life. This is reality. This is MY reality, anyway. I am not going to post all of the things that make me happy. I want to record the things that make me sad as well. So that you, as the reader, can relate…even on your off days. You learn most about yourself at your most vulnerable, in my opinion. I hope to God no one takes this personal. The bottom line is, appreciate the ones you hold dear to your heart and let them know it. Give respect but also learn to receive it back. It’s give and take. You deserve the best in life in any way you (and only you) know how.
There is nothing more intimate and alluring than going on a date in an environment where you are forced not to use sound but body language (without sex!) to communicate and get to know one another.
The movies…it’s not just a great first date because he can strategically yawn and wrap his arm around you at that right moment, it’s not just about her grabbing on to your arm at the height of horror.
Like most things in life, it is the subtle, innocent interactions that make watching movies with a person of interest or your loved one, romantic. It’s knowing that the only means of communication is soft touches, reactive glances, and whispers in the ear; it’s lining up for the popcorn, the junk food, even the 3D glasses — all of the accoutrement that the cinema theatre entails; it’s sharing this one whimsical adventure, budding romance, horrifying tale without saying a word.
And once the moment of silence is over and the credits start rolling, all the words that you so willingly held back during the movie flow continuously with one another until you find that you and your date are conversing in coherence. All because, for a couple of hours, you both experienced the magical world of fiction…together.
>I find it funny how people always wanna play the victim, when in reality no one ever wants to be an actual victim. These people want the accolades that go along with being the injured party, but really? Nobody sits there and says, “It’s a mighty fine morning to get robbed!” or “Man, I hope I get my heartbroken today!” WHO DOES THAT??!!
I’ll tell you who. People that refuse to acknowledge the role they played in the situation. People that fail to take responsibility for their actions. These are the same people who may be able to move on from an experience – but never GROW from it.
I think about the mistakes I’ve made in life. *sigh* I wouldn’t say that I didn’t know any better, but I definitely didn’t do the “fucked up thing anyway.” I believe I did what was best at the time. Now that I look back, I see where I could’ve done better. Been more kinder. More considerate. Less stubborn and more appreciative. But the only reason I’m able to recognize this now, is because I more than willingly owned up to my mistakes.
Real victims don’t sensationalize situations to gain a team, they simply reiterate facts. And real victims don’t fabricate stories just to lighten the guilt in their own heart. Because real victims DON’T WANT TO BE FUCKING VICTIMS! And when it really comes down to it, it doesn’t matter who’s the good guy or the bad guy anyway. ‘Cuz nobody wants to be the “bad guy” either.
But if doing what was best for the both of us at the time made me the bad guy? Then so be it. At least I know I was fighting the good fight.
I woke up this morning in love with life and the world…
As I sit here at my local coffee shop, staring outside the window, Christmas in a cup at hand, people smile back and little kids aligned all stop to wave hello.
And at that very exact moment, I realize that my life in this world is in love with me too.
It’s been a rough week.. I spiralled down a tunnel of mixed emotions and just as hurricane Sandy is hitting the East coast, I find myself trying to survive in my own personal hurricane.
No one is really over the past, over the hurt that they’ve felt, wounds that they’ve healed, insecurities that they once had overcome…and if I were to hide behind a smile and say that everything was okay and that I was 100% pain-proof from my past, I’d be lying. You see, no matter how prepared you are for the worst, no matter how sheltered you keep yourself, you are never fully prepared for anything that may come your way, even if you are familiar with the situation. And like a sucker punch to the gut you get the wind knocked out of you and you’re left confused and motionless. Now you can stay down for as long as you need, but we all know that if you stay down permanently that’s a T.K.O! Hopefully, your pride will never let you get to that point. I sure as hell will never let myself get to that point.
You need to get back up and try again…
People are going to judge your calls on how you tackle a situation but if it’s YOUR way of getting back up on your two feet then nothing should affect you. If it’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that you should never go with the easiest or obvious answer because sometimes that answer isn’t right for your own personal learning and growth experience. Despite how broken you are, your mind, your heart, your gut, your ability to sense your situation…those god-given traits are the puzzle pieces to the right answer.
I wear my heart on my sleeve like a new Michael Korr’s piece..
I’m going to take the risk and trust my instinct even though it’s led me time and time again to this very exact predicament. But I allow myself to because no love is like the last, no person is the same, and although history may repeat itself, every woman or man deserves a chance to reconcile with his or her past in order to move forward in to a world with no regrets..
There comes a time when you remember all the things that you have done in the past, the present, that make you look forward to the future. It has been a never-ending rollercoaster for me. My family and peers are my strength at times of tribulation and unhappiness. Failures come and go, oddly enough it seems accomplishments last for less than a day. Negativity transcends over the positive. Reputable memories never to be erased. You hold on to the things you cherish the most close to your heart, never willing to let them go… because they’re the one conclusive entity perpetually motivating you to go on. As I’m ending yet another journey in my life, and I look back at what I have achieved and what I have lost, I have come to recognize how much I’ve grown. My faulty errors have only made me stronger; My consummations a great sense of satisfaction. This is life, and this is who I am. Presently, I have never been so content with everything that I am doing. Hmm, I realize that at times my quietness gives off the sense that I may be upset or discombobulated, when in my reality, those times I am just in “profound” thought and in awe of the path I’ve overcome.
As for what the future holds, I really don’t know. And that is both the joy and the sorrow…the knowledge of not knowing. Ergo, in order to continue and survive the world in all of it’s glory and destruction; strength, patience and courage is required because with strength you can pull yourself above anything, with patience you can achieve the goals you have set, and with courage you can do anything in life.
- Joyce Lacsamana
I was at the bench where we used to sit at the park near my house. It would be a nice cool summer night like this one, you would be strumming some neat tune on that guitar of yours and I would try to make up words that would fit with it. You know, I was never good under pressure, especially infront of an audience. We’d laugh when I lost words to rhyme with or if the sentences didn’t make sense. I sat at that bench today feeling empty. And I’ve been feeling alot like that lately. My world hasn’t been that perfect and I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself. It would probably be a good time to write some absurd, morbid poem and release all this stress built up inside of me…but I’m so afraid to because it reminds me of you. I’ll expect a comment from you, critiquing my work. I’ll expect some physical form, whether it be just an e-mail or a phone call telling me you feel exactly the same way. I’d expect something to depend on so I don’t feel so alone. But I am alone. Dreams are not dreams to me anymore since you’ve gone your way. Dreams are more like hopeless “wants” “needs” “desires” or the lack of all these things. Life seems like a painstaking game to me, and although it’s not game over for me just yet, I’m definitely on a losing streak.
I’m writing this to you because it’s my only means of communication as of now. My faith has deteriorated immensely and I’m having trouble getting my life back on track. Summer was your season and I’m trying my best to live it out the best that I can so it feels like you’re still here. I thought it would get easier, but the “lack of” you being here has proven to be the most difficult thing for me.
If I could go back, I’d give you my life and soul so that you could live out the dreams that you thought would never come true…
Perhaps, then I would believe in dreams again.
**Addendum: I wrote this that year that my close guy friend passed. Never would I have imagined that I’d live a day where I’d see brightness in my life again. Never did I ever think that dreams would ever come back. Never did I feel like I’d see another day as promising as the next. Yet, here I am…standing stronger than ever. More resilient than ever before with my whole world in MY hands for once. It sucks that sometimes in life it takes such a tragic travesty to wake you up from what you’re missing. I, for one, don’t think I’d be half as capable as I am now to stand on my own without having to go through what I did. So, to my dear friend, as I edge closer to the 26th year of my existence, I cheers to you for making me twice the woman I am today. This year may not seem significant to a lot but for the few that feel what I feel, it’s as beautiful as the next many, many, many years to come.